Worth the Wait Read online

  “You’re the same as Dad,” Jackson muttered. “Tight-lipped. Closed off.”

  “I don’t particularly appreciate the comparison, Jackson.” David shoved his mug aside. No insult could have hit him harder. “Trust me, I’m nothing like Dad.”

  “So I take it you won’t be attending his wedding?” Jackson sat back, arms crossed.

  “You assume correctly.” David refused to be the first to break eye contact.

  “Are you pissed he’s not still mourning Mom?” Jackson leaned forward. “I know it hasn’t quite been two years, but doesn’t he deserve another shot at love?”

  David reminded himself of Jackson’s ignorance regarding the timing of their father’s “love” affair with Janet. His mother’s voice rang in his ears. “Don’t tear everyone apart, David. Please! You’ll only bring more pain to everyone. Let your brother and sister keep their memories of our family intact.”

  He held his tongue. Seething at the injustice of the situation, his outrage rolled off him in ripples, like heat waves.

  Jackson stood up, shaking his head. “Hell, someone in this family should be happily in love. You, Cat, and I sure aren’t having any luck.”

  “Hey,” Cat chimed in from across the room. “Speak for yourself.”

  David snapped, his recent disappointments and mistakes bringing him to his knees. Like a cornered animal, he came back biting. “Guess what? I don’t give a fuck what Dad does. I’m just not interested in being any part of it.”

  Jackson’s head jerked. “Very nice. Mom would be real proud of you right now.”

  The final straw. David swept his hand across the counter, sending several magazines and a napkin holder to the ground. Rarely did he lose his temper. God, it felt damned good.

  Cat gasped, sitting stiff as a statue beside Hank, who looked as if he were deciding whether or not to intervene.

  David barked, “You have no idea what you’re talking about. Much as I would love to enlighten you, I can’t.” Rising from his seat, he continued, “If you want to paint me as the bad guy, go ahead.” He glanced at Cat, then returned his attention to Jackson. “This is going to be a long day. I’ll leave you all alone and catch up on some work.”

  As David started up the steps, he heard his brother’s mocking voice and turned to face him. “Yes, walk away.” Jackson’s hands went to his waist. “You’re real good at that.”

  David had never before wanted to strike his brother, but it took all his concentration not to punch him now. He glanced at Cat, who now hovered at the edge of the kitchen, twisting the bracelet she was wearing around and around.

  “Why would I confide in you when you’ve already judged me guilty?” David glowered at his siblings, then stomped upstairs and slammed his door closed.

  The bedroom walls shook as though they might come crumbling down around him. Standing alone in his room, he privately acknowledged they’d already collapsed.

  Hours later, David shoved the asset purchase agreement in his briefcase. He’d been unable to concentrate on seller representations and warranties because he’d been constantly checking his phone for a message from Vivi. She’d continued avoiding his calls all day.

  What the hell had happened between two and seven this morning?

  He tried reading in bed, then tossed the book aside after he’d read the same paragraph three times. He paced the floor, stopping once in a while to stare out the windows at the ocean. Finally, at three o’clock, Vivi responded to his multiple messages via an e-mail.

  David,

  I’ve never been anyone’s one-night stand. To be yours hurts more than I can say. Most humiliating is your need to hide it from everyone, like a shameful secret. My rose-colored glasses blinded me to the truth, but now I see it. You simply aren’t the man I thought you were. Please stop calling.

  His hands trembled. You simply aren’t the man I thought you were. He reread her message twice, blinking repeatedly.

  How could she say that? She knew how much he’d always cared for her. He’d proved it for years. He’d confided in her this week. He’d begged her to stop him to make sure she didn’t feel pressured.

  Then he’d crossed the line.

  A selfish impulse, perhaps, but he hadn’t been malicious or misleading. He’d explained why they should be discreet, and it had nothing to do with shame. Now it seemed she planned on completely cutting him out of her life.

  He envisioned her sitting alone at the harbor this morning, and then felt sick. How could he have expected her to disengage her own heart when he was having such trouble doing the same?

  He’d been greedy and selfish, indulging his own desire with the barest provocation. After a decade of protecting her from pain caused by others, he’d now inflicted the worst heartache.

  David had never before known such self-loathing. Had his father felt even one-tenth of this emotion during the past eighteen months? Ironically, David now needed the very forgiveness he couldn’t give his own dad.

  He threw his phone aside and fell backward on the bed, unsure of how to respond. No matter what she believed at the moment, she wouldn’t have the last word.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  The following afternoon, Jackson dropped off David and Cat at the Stamford, Connecticut, Metro-North train station. Sixty minutes remained to try to make some reparation with Cat.

  “Should I expect the silent treatment for the rest of the trip?” He sighed as he slid in the seat beside his sister.

  “I thought you preferred it to talking.” She glanced at him, looking concerned and displeased. “I know I was a bit preoccupied this week dealing with Justin’s calls, but you . . . you were like a yo-yo. Your outburst yesterday—that was a real first.”

  He stared straight ahead, then briefly closed his eyes. “I’m sorry I’ve upset you. I know you don’t understand me, but between Laney and Dad,” he began, omitting any mention of Vivi, “I hit a wall. I honestly don’t know where to go from here.”

  “Look, it doesn’t matter if we don’t happen to think Janet’s the catch of the century. Dad’s clearly in love with her.” She grabbed David’s hand. “As much as we miss Mom, she’s gone and life has to go on. Don’t you want Dad to be happy?”

  David could feel his jaw clenching while he used every ounce of energy to keep himself in check. His sister made it sound so easy. Did he want his dad to be happy? Did he? “I don’t know what I want.”

  It was the most honest answer he could give.

  “Well, I do. I want us all to be happy. I want us to be a family again. I wish you did, too.”

  “I do, Cat. That’s what I’d hoped to rebuild this week with you and Jackson. But other things got in the way.”

  “Speaking of which, what are you going to do about Laney?” Cat turned toward him, trying to read his expression.

  “End it.”

  “Just like that?” Her eyes widened.

  “Just like that. When it’s not right, it’s not right.” He hoped his tone would get her to consider ending her own relationship.

  They both fell silent for a while. He swayed in his seat as the train rattled along the tracks toward Grand Central Station. Staring out the window at the buildings along the track, he cursed to himself.

  A now-familiar hostility unfurled inside, which he traced back to his father and their fight weeks before his mother died. David had never before let anger and disgust peck away at his soul like a vulture on a corpse.

  If only he hadn’t caught his father with Janet. If only he hadn’t confronted him within earshot of his mother. If only his mother hadn’t extracted the promise.

  At the time, his father had blamed David for hurting his mother with his outburst. Never mind the fact that there wouldn’t have been an outburst without the adultery.

  “David,” Cat said, “I hope you can resolve things with Dad before whatever’s
going on eats you alive.”

  David dropped his head to hide the desperate fury he felt burning in his eyes from merely considering extending an olive branch. Meanwhile his father had never once asked for forgiveness, or thanked David for keeping his mouth shut.

  He felt the walls closing in on him, which made him resent his mother for putting him in an impossible position.

  The instant the thought occurred, it choked him with guilt.

  “Home again, home again, jiggety-jig,” Cat sighed as the train came to a stop in Grand Central Station.

  As they stood in the taxi line, David thought about the two women he needed to speak with today. Laney would be expecting him. She’d be stuck waiting a few more hours, because he wanted to see Vivi first.

  He and Cat shared a silent taxi ride from Grand Central to their neighborhood. The condo he’d bought near her building to be closer to her hadn’t made anything between them easier.

  Another failure to add to his list.

  He dropped her off first. When the cab pulled up to his building, he felt utterly depleted.

  “Mr. St. James.” The doorman nodded.

  “Hey, Bill.” David forced a smile. “Can you hold on to my bag until I return? I’ll be back in an hour or two.”

  “Sure.” Bill placed the bag behind the counter and waved as David raced outside to hail a cab to Queens.

  David stood on the busy Astoria thoroughfare, surveying the drab brick apartment building he’d helped Vivi move into years ago. She’d been so excited about her awful little studio. It represented freedom from her dad, though, which he’d assumed explained her euphoria. Of course, the little storefronts and trees aligning the streets gave the area a friendly neighborhood vibe. It suited her.

  He pressed the security buzzer, shoved his hands in his pockets, and waited to hear her voice. When she didn’t answer, he glanced at his watch. Had she gone out for lunch? His own stomach rumbled at the thought.

  He jogged across the street to a Greek diner and ordered a gyro. Sitting at a narrow counter running along the plate glass window, he ate his greasy sandwich and watched for Vivi. Each time he envisioned confronting her, his mood vacillated between worried and antagonistic. One minute he wanted to reassure her, the next he wanted to rip into her for how her comments had gutted him.

  When he spotted her approaching her building, he froze.

  Showtime.

  He threw twenty bucks on the counter and bolted out the door. His legs moved awkwardly, stiffened by anxiety. He came up behind her as she stopped to retrieve her keys.

  “Vivi.” He clasped her arm.

  Startled, she stared wide-eyed at him. He held her firmly, with no intention of releasing her. Being near her—touching her again—turned his brain to mush.

  “Let go, David.”

  “We need to talk.” Even to his own ears, he sounded like a caveman.

  “No, we don’t.” Her defiant attitude set off alarms.

  Vivi had never before simply refused him. She’d never looked at him like something unwanted on the bottom of her shoe. Anguish and anger seized control of his muscles.

  “Don’t do this,” he said. “We have to clear up some things. One way or another, Vivi, you will hear me out.”

  “You’re hurting my arm.” She stared at his hand until he released her.

  He hovered beside her, refusing to let her slip inside without him. A breeze lifted a section of her hair, sending a whiff of citrus his way. Despite his irritation, he envisioned burying his hands in her messy hair and kissing her hard. He shook his head and frowned, but then leaned in closer. He couldn’t help himself.

  “Back up so I can open the door, please.” She sighed, oblivious to her effect on him. “Five minutes, David. Five.”

  “Fine.”

  As she put the key in the lock, he noticed how her baggy paint-spattered overalls consumed her tiny frame. My God, she looked like a waif who just lost a paintball tournament. He grinned. “Where’d you go dressed like that?”

  “Sorry I’m not in Prada.” She shot him a cold stare. “Designer clothes don’t last long in an art studio.”

  “Jesus, Vivi, I wasn’t criticizing.” He followed her into the building, wondering if he’d destroyed the caring, sweet girl he knew.

  When they entered her apartment, her keys landed on the minuscule kitchen counter with a bang. Her studio, littered with art supplies and dozens of knickknacks from children, made him feel claustrophobic.

  Her unpacked duffel bag lay on the floor beside her bed. He couldn’t tear his eyes from her ruffled white down comforter, or stop picturing her tumbled in those sheets. His body vibrated as mixed emotions paralyzed him once again.

  “Go ahead.” She faced him. “Get it over with so we can both move on.”

  He wrung his hands while he paced back and forth, searching for the right approach. He was a lawyer, dammit. He knew he could persuade her to reconsider her position as long as he kept his feelings in check. Winning an argument required divorcing oneself from all sentiment.

  Yet he couldn’t do it.

  “I got your e-mail.” His grave start seemed to bore her. She needed a push. “You were unfair, Vivi. I didn’t use you, and I’m not ashamed of what happened. I warned you to leave me alone. You chose to stay. Now I’m the bad guy? Not the man you thought?”

  Not his most articulate speech. Who could blame him when he was torn between wanting to shake her and wanting to throw her onto the bed to make love again?

  “Warned me?” Her eyes narrowed. “Maybe you did. But you can’t honestly believe I understood your ‘I might hurt you’ dilemma to involve having sex with me.”

  “How could you not? We were discussing it right before I kissed you. I literally begged you to stop me before it went too far.” The facts supported him. His logic couldn’t be defeated.

  She rolled her eyes at his reasoning.

  “My God, David. You’re either a complete jerk or really, really stupid about love.” She squinted in disbelief at his speechless gape. “Even if I had understood—which I did not—did you truly think I could’ve stopped myself? I’ve loved you for a dozen years and more. You’ve known it just as long. You knew I could never say no to any chance you might return my feelings. If it didn’t mean anything to you, then you should have been the one to stop it.” She shook her head. “Instead, you took advantage of my trust, then got embarrassed and insisted on sweeping it under the carpet.”

  “It’s not like that, and you know it. Being with you meant a lot to me, Vivi. It was very special. I am not embarrassed that we made love. Quite obviously I wanted to be with you, but that doesn’t mean it was the right thing for us to do. If I took advantage, it wasn’t intentional. My head has been fucked up for months, which you well know. I’m certainly not in a place where I can have a healthy relationship with a woman. Not even with you.” He ran his hand through his hair, then softened his voice. “I’m just trying to protect you—protect both of us—from destroying everything.”

  “There’s no protecting us from that, David,” Vivi snapped, crossing her arms. “What happened has pretty much guaranteed it.”

  “Only if you let it.” He drew a deep breath and stepped closer to her. She receded slightly, which stopped his advance. “Why can’t it enhance our friendship, Vivi? My God, I felt closer to you than ever before. And that’s saying a lot, considering how important you’ve always been.”

  “Never quite important enough.” Her quiet tone cut him to the quick. His mouth opened, but he couldn’t think of what to say next.

  He paced in a tight circle, speechless, thoughts in a wild spin. “How can you honestly make that crack to me . . . to me . . . after the friendship we’ve shared? Jesus, I just confided my worst nightmare to you a few days ago to prove how important you are to me. Apparently that’s not enough for you. How many test
s do I have to pass to win back your friendship?”

  She closed her eyes and slouched. “I don’t know. So much has changed between us, even before the other night. We can’t go back to what was, and you don’t want to move forward to something more.”

  “We could never be a couple, and deep down you know all the reasons why. Cat and Jackson would freak out, for starters. But that’s child’s play compared with what would happen when we broke up. You’d feel awkward with my family . . . not to mention how I’d mourn the loss of our friendship.” He reached for her. “Don’t you see? It’s better this way. Just one night, without promises or unnecessary pain.”

  “Too late. There’s already pain. And why are you so sure it couldn’t work out? Because I’m not sophisticated like Laney?” Her false bravado couldn’t hide the lack of confidence revealed by her remarks.

  “No, Vivi. I’ve always liked you exactly as you are, and you know it.” He set his hands on her shoulders. “That’s only half the battle. For God’s sake, even you must admit most relationships fail, no matter how much people like each other when they begin. With our differences, we’d barely have a chance.”

  “More lame excuses.” She shrugged away from him. “Besides, your mom and dad were different as night and day, and they were married for thirty years.”

  “Ha!” He snorted. “You just proved my point. Obviously theirs was not a perfect marriage. God forbid we’d end up like them.”

  “Just stop.” She sat down and set her forehead into her palm. After a deep sigh, she looked up at him. “Please leave me alone now. Why is our friendship suddenly so important to you anyway? Just go back to Manhattan and pretend you’re still in Hong Kong.”

  The floor beneath him sank as if he were standing in quicksand. In eighteen admittedly selfish months and one memorable, if stupid, decision to take her to bed, he’d burned through all their goodwill.

  “I can’t believe you’d shut me out now, after everything that happened this week. After everything I told you. After all the times I was there for you with your dad, now you’re walking out on me when I need help with mine.” His hoarse voice choked out his final words. “I’m tapped out, Vivi. You have no idea how leveling it is to have everything you believe about someone you love turn out to be untrue.”